I'm lucky, I have five grandchildren, ages 2 to 7, and they all live within a 30-minute walk from me. Their personalities vary as much as their ages, and I've gotten a front-row seat to watch them all as they grow up.
Being their grandmother has been a joyful yet challenging role. A role that I take very seriously and continue to learn from day to day.
Over the years, I've learned some important lessons that I believe will allow these special relationships to continue and flourish.
1. I respect their parents' choices and approaches
I've always tried to remember that I'm a grandparent — not a parent.
I know it's important to resist the urge to tell my children and their partners what they should or shouldn't be doing with their children or how they could be doing it better.
My job is to sit back and enjoy the show, only adding guidance or input when it's requested of me.
2. I cheer my kids on
I try to assume that the parents have the best intentions. Sure, they might make mistakes. So did I. And very often, I learned from those mistakes and changed my approach.
My advice to other grandparents is to be the parents' cheerleader. Praise them, tell them what a great job they're doing, and let them know you are proud.
3. I prioritize consistency
When my grandchildren stay with me, I try to stick to their usual routines. That means nap times and bedtimes are the same, and I always check in about what they're allowed to watch and how much screen time they can have.
If there are specific food requests (e.g., only organic food and snacks), I've found it's easiest to ask parents to provide them themselves.
Following usual routines helps the kids stay consistent and also shows that they aren't going to get away with something just because they're at grandma's house. I've found this makes going back home to their mom and dad much easier, too.
4. I stay neutral, but understanding
If my grandchildren complain to me that their parents won't let them have or do something they want, I try not to pick sides. I simply acknowledge their disappointment and explain why their parents might have those rules.
I never side with one parent or the other and never talk badly about the other parent, especially in front of the kids.
5. I've built positive relationships across the family
I make a special point of showing interest in my grandchildren's time with their other grandparents and relatives.
I don't try to give bigger and better gifts or treats, or go over the top with our outings. Being a grandparent is not a competition. It's about family, and I've learned that everyone has something different to contribute.
6. I think ahead
In my enthusiasm with my first grandchild, I might have gone a little overboard with gifts, treats, and my time. As more grandchildren have been welcomed into the family, I've realized I need to be mindful of what I can realistically offer.
I always want to be fair with my time and the gifts I give and have worked hard to set expectations that are manageable on my end, too.
7. I show genuine interest
I ask my grandchildren about their unique interests and the activities they enjoy. This allows me to connect with each grandchild individually and let them know that I truly care about what makes them happy.
If their interests are something I don't know much about, like when my granddaughter started talking about dinosaurs, I read and learned about them. We talk about the things that matter to them, events, school, friends, concerns or worries.
I've learned that when I'm interested in what they care about, they are usually interested in hearing about parts of my life, too.
8. I make things fun
I want my grandchildren to think of my home as a place where they can have fun. We often have a kitchen disco and sing and dance together, play board games, bake, paint, draw, or build a blanket fort. I know I'm lucky to have this time with them, so I try to be game for it all.
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9. I spend one-on-one time with each grandchild
As my grandchildren have grown, I've learned how valuable it is to spend time with each of them separately. It gives you a chance to build a different kind of bond with each one.
Over time, I've created simple traditions with each that have been meaningful to all of us. They are small, repeatable things that become "our thing," like decorating my Christmas tree together or planting seeds each spring.
10. I speak up for myself
While I happily provide help and support to my family, I've learned that it's important not to feel unappreciated.
Over the years, I've learned that sometimes I need to speak up and ask for what I want, as a grandparent. Whether it's being included in a family outing or being asked over to dinner. When I want something, I just ask, rather than wait for someone to think of me.
